Why crying is good for you.

You’d be surprised how often I still hear people tell me that they don’t cry, like it’s a badge of honour. It’s not. Crying comes so easily to a new born baby because it’s a completely normal emotion, just as equal to all the other experiences of joy, happiness, frustration and confusion. Crying babies are saying, something is wrong, I’m not sure what but crying feels like the right thing.  

As younger children we were often told not to cry, not to show our feelings. Yesterday I was at the park with my Grandson, he’s under 2, he had spotted a ball that belonged to some other children. Despite having his own ball, he really wanted this other ball too. Having no concept of ownership yet he was upset when an older boy came and retrieved his ball. Instantly dropping to his knees, face crumpling and real tears spilling from his eyes. His feelings deeply unhappy at this injustice.  

Tears are such a normal part of our experience that emotional tears have been proven to have a higher concentration of hormones that act as endorphins. They are evolution’s way of helping us feel better. We are meant to cry.  

Sadly as we grow up we are told crying is wrong, not brave, not manly, not appropriate etc. This is completely wrong. It’s very Victorian, stiff upper lip. Throughout history emotion was something to be revered. The Romans were known for crying, as were the Greeks. It was completely normal for a man to cry. Generals cried in defeat and while lamenting philosophical questions. Tears were used regularly in political discussions by men hoping to persuade their audience to agree with them. Tears were manly and acceptable.  

I just cried today. I was talking to my sister-in-law about feeling a little overwhelmed and hormonal, they just spilled out. 2 minutes later I felt much better, the dopamine having worked it’s magic and a bit of kindness from her.  

In leadership it’s so often the case that leaders think they have to look completely calm all the time. I’m not saying that if there are big worries that you should be wailing on the floor like my Grandson, but showing some emotion is what bonds us together as human beings. My sister in law telling me she understands the overwhelm lifted my spirits. Leaders are human, employees are human, we all have things that make us upset, talking about those things can unite a team quicker than anything else.  

In my clients, I see the move from stiff upper lip to appropriate emotion moves their leadership along leaps and bounds. It also reduces their stress as they can be more authentic with their emotional state too, not having to pretend all is well is a great stress reliever.  

So let’s look at appropriate emotion.  

I also see leaders who dump all their personal baggage over their employees. Their rubbish childhood dramas, their current relationship issues, their fragility. This isn’t healthy. I once worked with a client who had done this and after our work she left the role as she knew she would always be the person who told everyone the nitty gritty of her love life.  

Appropriate emotion comes from having worked through your own baggage so you are resilient and mentally healthy enough that you aren’t driven to over share, but can both experience and show your emotion in a way that doesn’t swamp you or those around you.  

Crying isn’t the problem, but you feeling unable to stop it once started, that it’s not manly or is over emotional, is.